Shellie's Beautiful Mess

I would like to meet my great-grandmother, the one that died on the same day as my grandmother's birth. I never knew that until my grandmother died. I wish I had known what she was like. My grandma never talked about her family. It was like she was trying to hide her tragic life. I wish she hadn't. I'm inspired by tragic beginnings that end beautifully. I would like to know what her family was really like. I didn't even know that her mom didn't raise her. Why did I never ask? Probably because I was a kid and had things to do. I wish I had been more interested in my relatives' lives. I know kids who were. I wanted to run around and I didn't want to slow down.

Hopefully life will slow down a bit this summer and I can write something other than updates on my life. I've decided I am definitely going to Eastern Washington University. At this point it's just a matter of when. If I can't get financial aid, I'll have to figure out another way to pay for it. But one way or another, I'm going. I've completed and turned in all my assignments for my class so far, so that's a good sign. Now that I'm into Algebra in the math class it's a lot harder. There are some things I'm still trying to figure out. But little by little I'm starting to figure out how to do each thing. It's a process. I refuse to give up. That is one good thing about my stubborn personality. Which is why I know I'm going back to school. There's nothing else I've ever really wanted to do. So, I'm just going for it. So, I'll be in my 50's by the time I graduate. Who cares. It's something I've always wanted a...

I've started classes through the PACE program (used to be SEER) again. This time I'm taking two classes. One is Transition to College as I'm starting to make plans to go back into credit classes at a local university. Eastern Washington University to be exact. First I have to apply for FAFSA to see if I can get financial aid. I'm not sure if I can because of my poor college performance before. Then, I'll apply to college and go from there. The other class I'm taking is called Computer Work Skill Building. It's a self-paced class where you choose one of three modules to work on. I'm doing the math program, cause I figure that's the area I'm weakest in at this point. Considering that I only do a limited amount of math currently. It's proven challenging. I've completely forgotten how to multiply large numbers, so I'm working on that right now. The first week I was working on adding and subtracting with negative numbers. I've pretty...

So, supposedly spring has begun, but I still have to scrape the frost off my windows every morning. Welcome to the northwest! Ugh! I'm sick of winter. And yet this summer I'll be complaining that it's too hot. Go figure. Anyway, we still don't know what's wrong with Chloe's throat. Her ultrasound came back normal. That's hard as a mom cause I watch her and I know something's not right and yet all her tests are negative. So I start to wonder if I'm crazy. Other people around me assure me that I'm not, cause they've noticed the changes, too. Some places make us feel like I'm a foolish mother listening to her delinquent daughter. Of course, those of you who know Chloe know that nothing is farther from the truth. She's the most motivated person I know. She hardly ever even procrastinates, which most of us are procrastinating on something every day! Not her. She picks on the rest of us for not taking care of our responsibilities. She follo...

Well, I am taking one class at Spokane Falls Community College. It's called Transition To Work, and it is exactly what it sounds like it is. It's a class preparing to go back to work after a long absence. It teaches you how to write a resume. How to interview. How to write a cover letter. Do's and Do Not's on applications. Everything that you can think of that you would need to know when entering the work force. I'm considering also taking the Transition To College course next quarter, cause I'm realizing most of what I'm interested in requires further education. Chloe missed a lot of school before the break and for a few days after the break. She had some really weird symptoms and so I finally took her to Spokane Urgent Care where they didn't even listen to her symptoms, one of those symptoms was what felt like a stone in her throat, right about where her thyroid is.  They didn't check her lymph nodes or anything. They kind of treated her like a d...

Ariel sat down to eat and nearly threw up, because it was seafood. It was like eating her own. She should have known she could never be human. But...but...but...she loved him so. Then she saw Sebastian, her friend. They had caught and tried to cook and eat her friend. What was she to do? She couldn't reveal that she had come from the sea. But she could not let them eat her friends. What was she to do? She did nothing but she felt so bad. What would her father think? She didn't think she cared, but suddenly she did. Oh, what to do? What to do?

Once a month or so, I've decided to just check in personally and let you know how things are going at the Spokane branch of the Paparazzo family. I started putting together a resume. Don't get too excited. I'm just making a resume.Then, we'll check out jobs I'd qualify for. I also got an application for a program at Spokane Falls Community College. I'll probably take a couple of classes. Anyway, we're very excited about Christmas around here. Chloe's going to be with us for Christmas this year and a friend of mine is coming over. And her dog. I'm especially excited about having her dog over for Christmas. Shhh, don't tell her. I love her for her dog. Not really, but she has a really cool dog. Anyway, I think she's cool. She's very sweet and she loves me, so that's all that has to happen to be cool in my world. I'm trying to get back on track with my workouts. I was slacking for a while. I went to the gym this morning. Anyway, it...

Recovery is body, mind, and soul It means  I take care of me I get exercise I eat healthier I get to learn new things about myself and the world around me I get to be loved and love others I get to understand people who are struggling and help them, too, the way others helped me I can talk to people I don't agree with and not get defensive We can have different opinions, that is okay I have learned to get along with the people I live with I get to worship my God, however and wherever I please It doesn't have to look like your God And I don't have to follow all of your rules It's okay that you do I have my own that help me stay safe

I am a dancer I move gracefully to the music I dance everywhere Through the grocery aisles At the Plaza And even down the street I dance in the shower And I dance down the hall I dance in my bed all night long I never sleep I have so much energy I don't need to sleep I just dance I can't help myself I dance at the bus stop I even dance in the car

Purple is so beautiful Makes me feel feminine I think of royalty Like when I was a rodeo princess It makes me think about my kids They all love purple I miss my older daughter a lot lately She lives with her dad My son even likes purple My youngest likes it, too But her favorite color is red My pen is purple My binder is purple, too

I love to work on jewelry I like to scare people in the dark I love to ride horses especially if they have a smooth trot It is very soothing to watch the horses run in the pasture I like to visit with my sister She is very understanding Her encouragement is soothing I can't wait to watch my daughter's first track meet She is nervous, I'm sure she will do well It's normal to be nervous I hope she doesn't chicken out on the hurdles She doesn't seem to be worrying about the other two events I'm hoping to be able to watch her do all three events This is a poem I wrote in a class at Frontier Behavioral Health. We wrote them in class and turned them in as soon as we finished, so they're very rough. I hope to do something more with a few of them.

Chloe got an upgrade on her laptop which means I got her old laptop. It's taking some time to get used to it, so bear with me. It's been a busy few weeks here at the house, with Halloween and cars breaking down and schedule changes and you name it. If you can think of it, it's probably come up recently here. Anyway, I'll hopefully be getting somewhat creative again here soon.

Well, we've had transportation issues. The van I'm driving is still a mystery to every mechanic that looks at it, as to why it dies frequently. It's running again for the moment, but since we don't know what's wrong with it, it could still die at any time. I still tease my brother and sister in law that it's because it's a Ford. The truck died the same week. And it happened while we were trying to get stuff moved out of my storage unit into their smaller storage units and get rid of the rest of the stuff, like furniture and take over payments for their storage unit and saving us both about $85. Well, I had to rent a pickup to finish it, so I spent the extra on that, but next month I'll definitely feel the difference. Anyway, that's the update on this branch of the Paparazzo's, so I'll talk to you later.

They say expectations will kill me...but there are certain things I expect from others. And they're not about being entitled. Most of them cost the other person absolutely nothing. I expect people to be considerate of others. I expect to hear please and thank you. I also expect people in my immediate circle to actually genuinely care about me. I expect if a church or group has an event that involves physical, outdoor activities, that they will provide water for the participants. That's all. Just water. Not food or soda or anything extra like that. Just enough water to get through the event. Not just after the event is over. I recently went to an event where that was usually the case. Maybe they let me drink their water before and during the event before because I was one of their willing clones. My eyes have been opened recently several times about who they really are. They don't care about other people's need's, only their own....unless, of course, they're goin...

Well, I'm sure you've noticed the new picture I have on my blog. That is my beautiful daughter, Chloe, receiving an award at a rodeo. Yep, she's a cowgirl. Of course, if you knew my past, you wouldn't expect anything less. I wish I'd raised both my daughters' to be cowgirls, but I raised them as city girls. Chloe met a horse trainer here in Spokane who took an interest in her, and I'm so glad she did. Chloe got a taste of what I did growing up. There are personal reasons we opted for her not to continue competing. She and I try to get out of town from time to time to go on a trail ride, but it's difficult with an old, falling apart van, that could die at any time. Eventually, I'll be able to buy a newer car. I'd like a Subaru. It's more practical in and out of town, since it will be a long time before I'll be able to afford more than one vehicle. It's not like I own a horse, so I don't need a pickup. We ride other people's hor...

My youngest is now a freshman in high school. It still feels surreal. Her first day was yesterday and I did not send her to jus any high school. She's in a project based high school called The Community School. They are part of the New Tech Network. Students that graduate there are generally better prepared for life after high school. They don't do a lot of busy work. They do projects that require them to learn what the state requires and then some. It's ran a lot like a private school, but it's what they call a public 'choice' school. Her older brother and sister went there as well. Angela now lives with her dad and goes to Lewiston High School. Her brother graduated from TCS with honors, having been accepted into his dream college. Unfortunately, he was not able to get together enough funds to actually attend, but he has a job and is behaving like a responsible adult. I'm sure he will be successful in his pursuits. He still wants to be a film maker and I...

Now, to introduce you to my favorite member of this household. I know the other members of this household don't mind her being my favorite. My daughter, Chloe Marie Paparazzo. She'll be 15 years old on August 29th. She will be a Freshman at The Community School here in Spokane. She's one of the most talented people I know. And probably the wisest young person I've ever met. And, I raised her. Shocking, I know. She plays the violin. She and I are hoping to soon play something together. I play the flute. She likes to ride horses as well. She competed in barell racing and pole bending a couple of times. Not too mention dummy roping. That is something she also has in common with me. We both love horses and rodeo. Actually, I'd lost sight of that passion in me until she got interested. She is an honor roll student and is also very active in church. She helps me in the nursery with the itty bitty babies. They're adorable. She's very independent and always keeps mo...

I know it's been a while since I posted on here. I've actually been taking a writing class and so I've been focused on those assignments instead of blogging. Don't expect a huge improvement in my writing as a result. It was mostly a writing class for myself to just be inspired by new ideas. I took it at the place I go to for therapy, so it was mostly for that purpose. I might share with you some of the stories I wrote for that, later. But, for now, I'm going to continue to introduce you to my family. Next, is Roger Paparazzo. I refer to him as my brother. Technically, he's my ex-husband's brother. And he, of course, is married to Lis (Elizabeth Paparazzo), who I told you about in my last post. He  works as a CNA. He does in-home care. From what I can tell, he's very good at his job. He's the man of the house (obviously), and he definitely brings home the bacon. He's a very good man. Honorable in his dealings. Very faithful to his handicapped wi...

I promised I would introduce my whole family, but after the cats I found it very difficult to find any inspiration, especially after all the rude comments from people who need to insult others to build themselves up. Sad. Anyway, I'm going to do my best to introduce you to Elizabeth Paparazzo or Lis as she likes to be called. She's my sister....sort of and Chloe's Aunt. You'll learn more about Chloe later. Anyway, Lis is married to Chloe's dad's brother if that kind of helps you get the picture. Some people think it would be awkward living with their ex-husband's family, but it really isn't. It's no different than just having roommates that you knew from earlier in your life. It hasn't changed how they view me. Lis is one of the most amazing people I know. I used to not think much of her, because of her weight, weird allergies that don't make sense to me, and other health issues that I was sure she brought on herself. It turns out most of the...

Small pause in the interviewing everyone in the family. Today's my birthday for whatever that's worth. Somehow after 40 they seriously lose their charm. I wouldn't even celebrate it if I didn't like presents and dessert so much. I mean seriously, what do we do on our birthdays? Do you realize what we celebrate? I mean, think about it. You celebrate the day you put your mother through excruciating pain and you came out bloody and naked and more than likely screaming. I mean, yeah. I know. I get it. We've lived another year, which, I don't know about you, but given what I've done to that naked, bloody body I should have been dead a long time ago. But I'm not. Forty two years old today. Yeah. I just admitted it. But whatever. I don't feel 42 years old. Of course, we say that, and what do we know about it. I've never been this age before. All I know is when my dad turned 40 it was like he was practically dead. Now, I'm over 40 and consider myself...