Birthdays

Small pause in the interviewing everyone in the family. Today's my birthday for whatever that's worth. Somehow after 40 they seriously lose their charm. I wouldn't even celebrate it if I didn't like presents and dessert so much. I mean seriously, what do we do on our birthdays? Do you realize what we celebrate? I mean, think about it. You celebrate the day you put your mother through excruciating pain and you came out bloody and naked and more than likely screaming. I mean, yeah. I know. I get it. We've lived another year, which, I don't know about you, but given what I've done to that naked, bloody body I should have been dead a long time ago. But I'm not. Forty two years old today. Yeah. I just admitted it. But whatever. I don't feel 42 years old. Of course, we say that, and what do we know about it. I've never been this age before. All I know is when my dad turned 40 it was like he was practically dead. Now, I'm over 40 and consider myself fairly young. I certainly didn't expect to be single at this age. I mean, I was "happily" married at age 22. Had my first baby at 23, which is why I know I put my mother through excruciating pain. Worst pain I've ever felt in my life! He would have been an only child. In fact everyone would have been an only child if it isn't for the amnesia that sets in as soon as you lay eyes on the stunning sight of a baby that came out of your body. It's truly amazing. I mean, I remember being in horrible pain and telling my husband I didn't even want to have any more children. When they were breaking down the bed, I suddenly didn't even want that child! I told my nurse this was a bad idea and I couldn't have this baby. She told me it was a little late for that. This baby was coming out of my body one way or another. Obviously, so I was a little out of it. After basically being in labor for 2 1/2 days you would be to. They weren't able to get me an epidural and I'd already been through so much pain I couldn't bear the thought that I now had to push him out of me with no drugs. But I did it. Obviously. My body took over and I did it. It hurt like hell. I won't lie. And yet even as parents we joyfully celebrate the worst best day of our lives. I know. What I just said doesn't make sense. Unless, of course, you've had children, in which case you know exactly what I mean. I remember looking at that child and wanting 10 more just like him. Thank God I didn't get my wish. I just had 2 more. Both girls and very different, but I love them all.  So, my life has not exactly turned out the way I planned. I didn't plan to become an alcoholic, but that's what happened. And when I did I certainly didn't plan to get sober, but thank God that happened too. And who would have guessed that as soon as I got sober my entire perfect little American dream I had achieved would come crashing in on me. I got divorced. My 2 oldest children got in trouble with the law. I eventually had to kick them both out for the sanity of the rest of us. They no longer speak to me. My youngest is doing well. I'm grateful for that. And not a day goes by that I don't desperately pray for the other 2. Trust me!!! I'm living with my ex-husband's brother and his wife. We've dropped all the ex's and in-laws. They're just my brother and sister. And thank God they took me in, cause otherwise I would be in a homeless shelter or on the streets, cause, yeah, I also lost my house in the end. But I kept it together and I'm still sober after all of that. Why? Because I was just done. And I think what's happened had to happen for me to keep moving forward. I know it sounds crazy but I love my life. I'm 42 years old and living with family and my daughter, Chloe, and 2 cats that I adore. It's true. Forty year old single women treat cats like gods. My kids are more independent now and I needed something (or things) besides my God, that love me unconditionally. I mean, other people say they love you unconditionally, but they don't. They have expectations, even if they don't recognize them. Anyway, I'm 42 years old and happy. Let's go find a wild carnival ride somewhere where I can make myself nauseous...actually, no. let's not. Let's eat cheesecake and ice cream and tacos and drink lots of soda and hate myself tomorrow. Sounds good. Thanks for indulging me for a few minutes of your day and yes, I will celebrate being alive for 42 years when I should have been dead by 30. Happy Birthday to me!!!!